I hear it allll the time. ‘I’m too nice’. ‘It’s because I care too much’. ‘Otherwise they’ll be sad/mad/disappointed’ fill in the blank. What do these all have in common? unhealthy boundaries, codependency, enmeshment, people pleasing. To be fair and realistic- we ALL have unhealthy boundary traits of each of these categories, the names which are basically synonymous with each other. It’s not because we’re bad or lazy or anything, it’s just the patterns that have been modeled and passed down seemingly everywhere.

Here are some of the more extreme ways these traits can look in relationships.

TLDR- Difficulty allowing others to face consequences of their actions; changing what you think/do (even in the moment) because of how you someone seems to feel (usually an interpretation of body language or passive aggressive statements); people pleasing/fear of disappointing others; saying yes when you don’t want to/putting other’s needs above yours; the I-don’t-like-conflict person (aka saying anything that someone may disagree/react to)

1. Enmeshment: Enmeshment occurs when boundaries between individuals become so blurred that it’s difficult to distinguish separate identities[1][2].
   • In enmeshed relationships:
     • Personal identities become intertwined
       • ‘we’re like the same person!’
     • Individuals struggle to make independent decisions
       • ‘I want what x wants!’
     • There’s often a fear of separation or autonomy
       • ‘I can’t live/be/do anything without you!’
2. Codependency: Codependency involves one person excessively relying on another for emotional support and validation[1][3].
   • Key features include:
     • Low self-esteem and self-worth
       • ‘if I don’t do this they won’t like/love me’
     • Excessive caretaking, controlling, could-fall-under-manipulative behaviors/
       • ‘if you loved me you would xxx’
       • ‘you should know by now’
       • ’loyal no matter what’
       • ‘x can never show up/can’t be relied on/is incapable of xyz, so I have to do it for them’
     • Fear of abandonment or being alone
       • ‘I can’t live without you’
       • ‘if you don’t call me/show up etc. I will fall apart’.
       • ‘I’d rather be with the unhealthy-treats me horribly- more bad than good person so at least I’m not alone’
3. Unhealthy Boundaries: Unhealthy boundaries are a common thread in both enmeshment and codependency[4].
   • They manifest as:
     • Lack of privacy between individuals
       • ’I’m your mom/sister/friend/romantic partner, I should know everything’
     • Difficulty saying “no” or asserting personal needs
       • ’it’s easier to just do it and make them happy’
       • ’I should or I’m supposed to- they’re my x who’s done xyx for me’
     • Taking responsibility for others’ emotions or actions
       • ’x overslept, is busy, was drunk, just did it one time, shouldn’t have to go through this, didn’t mean it etc. [insert reason why they are exempt from consequences], I’ll just help them out.
       • ‘It’s no big deal for me to do it”
       • ’this way their feelings don’t get hurt/mad/sad/disappointed’

These relationship dynamics share several common features[1][3]

1. Lack of clear boundaries leads to
   • Burnout, resentment, saying yes out of guilt, not knowing your own wants/likes
2. Emotional dependence leads to
   • entitlement, unfair emotional/actual labor, lack of self esteem, lack of problem solving abilities
3. Difficulty with separation or autonomy leads to
   • being grouped together as if you are 1 person who share/agree on everything- you’re a packaged deal
4. Fear of conflict leads to
   • ACTUAL conflict- when you aren’t completely honest/don’t speak up, it doesn’t just go away, and you end up having a much higher emotional response later, or internalizing it and becoming depressed/anxious/etc.
5. Challenges in forming healthy relationships outside the primary dynamic lead to
   • weird relationships. Lack of separation between you and your spouse/parent/sibling/child— we all know these people who don’t really have any friends/interests outside of their family or partner.

At the end of the day, I think it’s an accurate assumption that all of us have had/currently have relationships with some of these behaviors. They start out because that’s what we were modeled, or because we have good intentions. But at the end of the day, we can’t really have a healthy relationship if 1 or more people aren’t able to be honest with their emotions, experience the effect/consequences of their behaviors, and say ‘no’ or set limits that may only seem to benefit the person setting them. We need to think about the long game, people.

It sounds cute on TV, but it it is actually dishonest. So tell the person you don’t like frogs (see below for Gilmore Girls knowledge if you didn’t know where that comes from!)

”LORELAI: Ugh.
SOOKIE: What ugh? You like him.
LORELAI: I like him, but I’m not sixteen. I don’t lie to guys to make them like me. I just got stuck when he said fishing and camping, and I was trying to be nice and not say, “Fishing? Great – cold, wet, and smelly. My three favorite things after those witches from Macbeth.”
SOOKIE: Honey, we all do it. When Jackson and I first started dating, we went to this pickling festival, and he wore a shirt with a giant frog on it. So I’m trying to make conversation and I say, “Hey, cute frog.” And he says, “You like frogs?” and I say, “I love frogs!” So, for our six-month anniversary, he gives me a frog figurine.
LORELAI: Aw.
SOOKIE: And then when Christmas came, he gave me another frog figurine. And then he told his family what to get me, and all of a sudden. . .
LORELAI: Your frog collection!
SOOKIE: I’m the frog girl.
LORELAI: You never told him you don’t love frogs?
SOOKIE: No. He has the best time buying them for me, so I just let him buy them.”

Citations:
[1] https://www.carepatron.com/comparison/enmeshment-vs-codependency
[2] https://www.attachmentproject.com/psychology/enmeshment/
[3] https://danieldashnawcouplestherapy.com/blog/enmeshment-vs-codependency
[4] https://brcrecovery.com/blog/enmeshed-family-characteristics/
[5] https://www.o2counseling.com/blog/understand-difference-between-codependency-and-enmeshment
[6] https://www.attachmentproject.com/psychology/enmeshment/family/
[7] https://www.verywellhealth.com/enmeshment-healing-steps-5223635
[8] https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-enmeshment-trauma-5207999