I can’t help myself, I get WAYYYYY too excited about sharing everything and yet I haven’t figured out the best way to share things consistently because I keep messing up everything digital each and every time I attempt something new. Or again. Oops. BUT- I’ve been reading and listening to a bunch of stuff on a few different topics so that is what I will eventually get to sharing on here.

1. Emotional Labor
2. Sex and Intimacy (what this looks like at different ages and stages of life, various disabilities and chronic conditions, etc.)
3. New Year, New Rules (healthcare changes, state laws that go into effect, etc.)
4. Boundaries and family dynamics. Always.
5. Self-care and emotional regulation. Always.
6. executive functioning (implicit within all neurodevelopment disorder)- CEO of the brain, attention, self regulation,
   • FASD
   • TBI
   • ADHD- body doubling
   • Autism

I hear it allll the time. ‘I’m too nice’. ‘It’s because I care too much’. ‘Otherwise they’ll be sad/mad/disappointed’ fill in the blank. What do these all have in common? unhealthy boundaries, codependency, enmeshment, people pleasing. To be fair and realistic- we ALL have unhealthy boundary traits of each of these categories, the names which are basically synonymous with each other. It’s not because we’re bad or lazy or anything, it’s just the patterns that have been modeled and passed down seemingly everywhere.

Here are some of the more extreme ways these traits can look in relationships.

TLDR- Difficulty allowing others to face consequences of their actions; changing what you think/do (even in the moment) because of how you someone seems to feel (usually an interpretation of body language or passive aggressive statements); people pleasing/fear of disappointing others; saying yes when you don’t want to/putting other’s needs above yours; the I-don’t-like-conflict person (aka saying anything that someone may disagree/react to)

1. Enmeshment: Enmeshment occurs when boundaries between individuals become so blurred that it’s difficult to distinguish separate identities[1][2].
   • In enmeshed relationships:
     • Personal identities become intertwined
       • ‘we’re like the same person!’
     • Individuals struggle to make independent decisions
       • ‘I want what x wants!’
     • There’s often a fear of separation or autonomy
       • ‘I can’t live/be/do anything without you!’
2. Codependency: Codependency involves one person excessively relying on another for emotional support and validation[1][3].
   • Key features include:
     • Low self-esteem and self-worth
       • ‘if I don’t do this they won’t like/love me’
     • Excessive caretaking, controlling, could-fall-under-manipulative behaviors/
       • ‘if you loved me you would xxx’
       • ‘you should know by now’
       • ’loyal no matter what’
       • ‘x can never show up/can’t be relied on/is incapable of xyz, so I have to do it for them’
     • Fear of abandonment or being alone
       • ‘I can’t live without you’
       • ‘if you don’t call me/show up etc. I will fall apart’.
       • ‘I’d rather be with the unhealthy-treats me horribly- more bad than good person so at least I’m not alone’
3. Unhealthy Boundaries: Unhealthy boundaries are a common thread in both enmeshment and codependency[4].
   • They manifest as:
     • Lack of privacy between individuals
       • ’I’m your mom/sister/friend/romantic partner, I should know everything’
     • Difficulty saying “no” or asserting personal needs
       • ’it’s easier to just do it and make them happy’
       • ’I should or I’m supposed to- they’re my x who’s done xyx for me’
     • Taking responsibility for others’ emotions or actions
       • ’x overslept, is busy, was drunk, just did it one time, shouldn’t have to go through this, didn’t mean it etc. [insert reason why they are exempt from consequences], I’ll just help them out.
       • ‘It’s no big deal for me to do it”
       • ’this way their feelings don’t get hurt/mad/sad/disappointed’

These relationship dynamics share several common features[1][3]

1. Lack of clear boundaries leads to
   • Burnout, resentment, saying yes out of guilt, not knowing your own wants/likes
2. Emotional dependence leads to
   • entitlement, unfair emotional/actual labor, lack of self esteem, lack of problem solving abilities
3. Difficulty with separation or autonomy leads to
   • being grouped together as if you are 1 person who share/agree on everything- you’re a packaged deal
4. Fear of conflict leads to
   • ACTUAL conflict- when you aren’t completely honest/don’t speak up, it doesn’t just go away, and you end up having a much higher emotional response later, or internalizing it and becoming depressed/anxious/etc.
5. Challenges in forming healthy relationships outside the primary dynamic lead to
   • weird relationships. Lack of separation between you and your spouse/parent/sibling/child— we all know these people who don’t really have any friends/interests outside of their family or partner.

At the end of the day, I think it’s an accurate assumption that all of us have had/currently have relationships with some of these behaviors. They start out because that’s what we were modeled, or because we have good intentions. But at the end of the day, we can’t really have a healthy relationship if 1 or more people aren’t able to be honest with their emotions, experience the effect/consequences of their behaviors, and say ‘no’ or set limits that may only seem to benefit the person setting them. We need to think about the long game, people.

It sounds cute on TV, but it it is actually dishonest. So tell the person you don’t like frogs (see below for Gilmore Girls knowledge if you didn’t know where that comes from!)

”LORELAI: Ugh.
SOOKIE: What ugh? You like him.
LORELAI: I like him, but I’m not sixteen. I don’t lie to guys to make them like me. I just got stuck when he said fishing and camping, and I was trying to be nice and not say, “Fishing? Great – cold, wet, and smelly. My three favorite things after those witches from Macbeth.”
SOOKIE: Honey, we all do it. When Jackson and I first started dating, we went to this pickling festival, and he wore a shirt with a giant frog on it. So I’m trying to make conversation and I say, “Hey, cute frog.” And he says, “You like frogs?” and I say, “I love frogs!” So, for our six-month anniversary, he gives me a frog figurine.
LORELAI: Aw.
SOOKIE: And then when Christmas came, he gave me another frog figurine. And then he told his family what to get me, and all of a sudden. . .
LORELAI: Your frog collection!
SOOKIE: I’m the frog girl.
LORELAI: You never told him you don’t love frogs?
SOOKIE: No. He has the best time buying them for me, so I just let him buy them.”

Citations:
[1] https://www.carepatron.com/comparison/enmeshment-vs-codependency
[2] https://www.attachmentproject.com/psychology/enmeshment/
[3] https://danieldashnawcouplestherapy.com/blog/enmeshment-vs-codependency
[4] https://brcrecovery.com/blog/enmeshed-family-characteristics/
[5] https://www.o2counseling.com/blog/understand-difference-between-codependency-and-enmeshment
[6] https://www.attachmentproject.com/psychology/enmeshment/family/
[7] https://www.verywellhealth.com/enmeshment-healing-steps-5223635
[8] https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-enmeshment-trauma-5207999

Annnnndd we’re back with another ‘I wish it was easy to make people do this’ post regarding the skill of dropping the obligations. For real. They are just never ending. I’m including myself in the make-people-do part because things are easier said than done. This post originated as ‘get a life outside of mental health’ but then I realized that the obligations can include mental health management, chronic illness appointments, family duties, staying up to date with the drama of the world, etc. These are areas where things must.be.done. because LIFE. And yet, most of them don’t actually have concrete deadlines that are immediate, and most don’t require 100% amazing quality at all times. I guess that means the real point is that we have to get a life outside of and away from our own internalized pressures.

I’m hoping to do that more intentionally this year, and it starts by doing less things that ‘count’ on paper, and DEFINITELY less mental work. I’ve been working to remind myself in the last few months that it’s actually okay to go outside in all types of weather, and to think about things that bring joy or at least neutrality vs constant problem solving. Like I said, it’s an intention. We’ll see how it goes. But I hope you can GET A LIFE outside of the never ending news and errands and busywork too.

Welcome to the series “I encourage you to” which basically means— there’s lots of reasons why I wish I could tell you you SHOULD or NEED to do this, but that’s not how autonomy works, so instead I will just politely (with capitalization for strong emphasis) encourage you to do some skill. In this post we’re discussing meditation.

How Meditation Helps You Stay Emotionally Stable and Boosts Your Physical Health

In today’s fast-paced world, emotional stability can feel like a distant goal. But what if there were a simple practice that could help you stay calm, manage stress, and even improve your physical health? THERE IS!!! It’s called meditation. Or mindfulness. Or breathwork.

Meditation for Emotional Stability

1. Mindfulness Boosts Self-Awareness

Meditation is all about mindfulness—being fully present in the moment and observing your thoughts and emotions without judgment. This helps you become more aware of your feelings as they arise, giving you the chance to address them before they spiral out of control. Over time, this practice makes it easier to manage emotions like anger, stress, or sadness. Basically you start by slowing down enough that you actually realize what thoughts you have, then you practice putting space in between a situation, your thoughts, and the reaction you have outwardly.

2. Regulates Emotions

Regular meditation helps train your brain to handle emotional ups and downs with more ease. Meditation has been shown to reduce the activity in the amygdala, the part of your brain that triggers the fight-or-flight response. When you meditate, you improve your ability to stay calm, even when things get stressful, making it easier to stay emotionally balanced. Meditation has really helped me realize that when I get overwhelmed I need to literally take a deep breath in and hold it and think long enough that I can decide what my next move is going to be. Hopefully it’s doing more breathing, or switching activities, or doing a guided meditation, or calmly responding, but of course that is not always the case.

3. Reduces Stress and Anxiety

Meditation helps lower the levels of cortisol (cortisol is meant to be higher at certain times of the day- I know people are on the bandwagon right now that we need to lower our cortisol at all times, but that is too simplistic of an answer), the body’s primary stress hormone. This leads to a reduction in stress and anxiety, helping you feel more relaxed and at ease. Over time, consistent meditation practice can lower the frequency and intensity of anxiety or stress, making you feel more grounded and stable. And as some of my favorite meditation teachers have stated “your breath is the one thing that is always with you” and I love skills/tools that are accessible anywhere anytime for anyone, at least as much as possible.

4. Increases Compassion

Meditation encourages self-compassion and empathy, both of which are key to emotional stability. When you’re kind to yourself, you’re less likely to get overwhelmed by negative emotions like guilt or self-doubt. Additionally, meditation helps you relate better to others, strengthening relationships and providing emotional support in tough times. A client of mine previously told me that meditation helped them in areas that they didn’t necessarily know they needed help in, including increased body acceptance. I repeat: when I am able to be reminded or to remind myself to pause and be mindful and breathe. I am a much better human.

Physical Health Benefits of Meditation

1. Lowers Blood Pressure

Meditation has been shown to help lower blood pressure by calming the body’s stress response. With regular practice, you can help reduce strain on your heart and improve cardiovascular health, which also leads to better emotional well-being. Most people know that having a healthy blood pressure level is important, whether your blood pressure is high situationally or genetically or because of lifestyle. It is still extremely important to keep at a healthy level. And if someone can help me get this message across to my husband, so he will meditate, that would be great. 🤣

2. Boosts Immune Function

Stress weakens the immune system, making you more prone to illness. Meditation helps reduce stress, which in turn strengthens your immune system, helping you stay healthy and better able to handle emotional challenges. We’re just going to have to believe the science on this one.

3. Improves Sleep

Stress and anxiety can make it hard to sleep, which then affects your mood and emotional stability. Meditation helps calm your mind and prepare your body for rest, improving the quality of your sleep and contributing to a more balanced emotional state. Some people love to meditate in the morning. They find it energizes them, however, for the last 3+ years I have meditated nightly before bed and it is a staple for me now. I think it’s what tells my mind “OK remember the rest of the day is over now”. I do meditate in the mornings or afternoons or evening in addition to nightly, but that is not my regular routine.

4. Reduces Pain

Chronic pain can lead to emotional stress, but meditation can help by reducing the perception of pain. Studies show that mindfulness and meditation can lower the intensity of pain, allowing you to manage discomfort without letting it take an emotional toll. Meditations often include body scans, and that can be very helpful in identifying where you actually have pain and if there’s something you can do about it- like change your body mechanics, etc.. Meditation also helps with radical acceptance in that if you have chronic pain, you will be in pain no matter what, so you might as well do something to take your mind off of it instead of just sitting there ruminating.

5. Boosts Brain Health

Meditation helps promote neuroplasticity, which is the brain’s ability to form new neural connections. This leads to improvements in memory, decision-making, and emotional regulation—helping you stay mentally sharp and emotionally stable as you age. Neuroplastic city is something that we want to continue until the day we die.

Conclusion: A Simple Way to Improve Your Life

Meditation isn’t just for relaxation—it’s a powerful tool for building emotional resilience and improving physical health. By helping you manage stress, regulate your emotions, and stay connected to your body, meditation can lead to a more balanced, healthy life. Whether you’re new to the practice or have been meditating for years, it’s a simple yet effective way to boost your overall well-being, one breath at a time.

I use Peloton meditation each night because I like guided meditations as they help me stay focused and also are kind of like manifestations at the same time. If I feel upset, I will choose a meditation that is calming or acceptance, etc. so that I can try and bring that to fruition.

I also use the quantum method membership during the day when I’m out on walks, or if I need something while I ride on the elevator, something like that because there’s a lot of quick ones there.

The deal is EXECUTIVE DYSFUNCTION. Something you may or may not have ever heard of, yet alone linked to these three diagnoses.

Shared Traits of Executive Dysfunction Across Autism, ADHD, and TBI

Executive dysfunction is a key feature of autism, ADHD, and TBI, though it manifests differently in each condition. Understanding these common difficulties is crucial for providing effective support and interventions. Whether it’s through behavioral therapy, environmental modifications, or cognitive tools, individuals with executive dysfunction can improve their ability to manage tasks and lead fulfilling lives. Tailoring strategies to each person’s unique needs and challenges can make a significant difference in improving executive functioning and overall quality of life.

While autism, ADHD, and TBI each have unique causes and manifestations, there are common threads in the executive dysfunction experienced by individuals with these conditions:

1. Difficulty with Planning and Organization: Whether it’s setting goals, prioritizing tasks, or managing time, all three groups can struggle with creating and maintaining a structured approach to daily activities.
2. Impaired Emotional Regulation: Emotional responses can be exaggerated, leading to frustration, anxiety, or meltdowns, particularly when things don’t go as planned or when unexpected changes occur.
3. Inhibition Issues: Impulsivity, whether it’s acting without thinking or struggling to stay focused, is a common feature across these conditions.
4. Challenges with Flexibility: Adapting to new information, shifting strategies, and adjusting expectations can be difficult in all three groups.
5. Working Memory Problems: Remembering instructions, retaining information, or completing a task step-by-step can be challenging.

Understanding Executive Dysfunction in Autism, ADHD, and TBI

Executive functioning (EF) is a set of cognitive skills that enable individuals to plan, organize, make decisions, solve problems, regulate emotions, and carry out tasks effectively. These skills are vital for managing daily activities and achieving long-term goals. When executive functioning is impaired, people can experience difficulties in managing their time, staying on task, controlling impulses, and organizing their thoughts and actions. This disruption is commonly referred to as executive dysfunction.

Autism, ADHD, and Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) are three conditions in which executive dysfunction frequently occurs, though for different reasons and in varying degrees. Despite the differences in origin and symptoms, individuals with these conditions may share similar challenges related to executive functioning.

What is Executive Functioning?

Executive functioning refers to a range of cognitive processes that allow individuals to manage and control their behavior and thoughts. These processes include:

1. Planning and Organization: The ability to set goals, create plans to achieve them, and organize steps to take.
2. Working Memory: The capacity to hold and manipulate information over short periods of time (e.g., remembering a phone number long enough to dial it).
3. Inhibition and Self-Control: The ability to control impulses and delay gratification, preventing distractions and focusing on the task at hand.
4. Task Initiation: The ability to begin tasks independently without procrastination or external prompts.
5. Cognitive Flexibility: The ability to adapt to new information, shift strategies, or adjust when something doesn’t go as planned.
6. Emotional Regulation: Managing emotions to avoid overwhelming feelings and maintain focus or composure in challenging situations.

When one or more of these skills are impaired, it can lead to executive dysfunction, affecting day-to-day life and overall well-being.

Executive Dysfunction in Autism

Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is a developmental condition that primarily impacts social communication and behavior. However, it also commonly involves challenges with executive functioning. Many individuals with autism struggle with planning, organizing, and shifting between tasks. They may have difficulty adapting to changes in routines or environments, which can make everyday activities overwhelming.

Common executive dysfunction traits in autism include:

• Rigidity in thinking: Difficulty with cognitive flexibility and adapting to new situations.
• Trouble with time management: Struggling to plan and allocate enough time for tasks.
• Difficulty with multitasking: Challenges in managing several activities at once or switching between tasks.
• Poor emotional regulation: Difficulty controlling emotions, which can result in meltdowns or frustration.

Support strategies for individuals with autism often include creating structured routines, breaking tasks into smaller, more manageable steps, and providing visual or external cues to help with organization.

Executive Dysfunction in ADHD

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is characterized by symptoms of inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. These symptoms are often linked to difficulties with executive functioning, particularly in the areas of impulse control, planning, and task initiation. People with ADHD tend to have trouble staying focused on tasks, organizing their thoughts and activities, and regulating their emotions.

Common executive dysfunction traits in ADHD include:

• Impulsivity: Difficulty controlling immediate reactions or thoughts, often leading to interrupting others, making rash decisions, or acting without thinking.
• Procrastination: Trouble getting started on tasks, often due to difficulty prioritizing and organizing responsibilities.
• Inattention: A tendency to become easily distracted, losing track of tasks or forgetting key details.
• Difficulty with time management: Underestimating how much time a task will take or being easily distracted from deadlines.

People with ADHD often benefit from using external supports such as alarms, reminders, and visual cues, as well as breaking tasks into smaller, achievable steps.

Executive Dysfunction in Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI)

Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) refers to brain damage caused by an external force, such as a blow to the head, a fall, or an accident. Depending on the severity and location of the injury, TBI can lead to a wide range of cognitive deficits, including impairments in executive functioning.

Common executive dysfunction traits in TBI include:

• Difficulty with planning and organizing: Individuals may struggle to plan and follow through with tasks, often experiencing difficulties in completing long-term projects or organizing daily activities.
• Poor judgment and decision-making: TBI can impair the ability to make sound decisions, often leading to poor risk assessment and impulsive actions.
• Memory problems: Short-term memory can be impacted, making it harder to retain and recall information.
• Decreased self-monitoring: The ability to assess one’s own performance or behavior may be diminished, leading to mistakes or an inability to recognize when help is needed.
• Emotional regulation issues: TBI often affects emotional control, leading to irritability, mood swings, and difficulty managing stress.

Rehabilitation for TBI often includes cognitive therapy, structured routines, and compensatory strategies to help individuals regain or adapt their executive functioning skills.

You probably would have been more confused by the title of this post prior to the murder of the United Health CEO. Unfortunately, that incident was the catalyst for many people finally realizing that all health insurance is not the same. This is something that I have been trying to help others understand for a very long time, specifically in regards to medical assistance (MA). It’s not only the name of the insurance that matters. MA health plan options vary depending on 1) your age 2) your state recognized disability status 3) which county you live in 4) your transportation options 5) extra perks.

This applies to Medicare advantage plans and commercial plans as well. I feel like I am pretty on top of my own insurance, at least regarding specific coverage, and yet recently, I became aware of extra perks that I had never learned about and I think it’s because I don’t get anything in the mail and I don’t go online and browse through the catalog often. I know many of us are not able to pick our insurance company because it’s chosen by an employer, myself included as I get my insurance through my husband’s work, but even those plans are important to evaluate every year because things do get cut out or adjusted even if they were available in previous years.

And as far as UHC, Humana, and CVS go: read the facts. There are lots of executives coming out right now and saying that they don’t actually deny things often, they approve 90% or more of claims and data just does not back that up because it’s a lie. Senate and department of justice and other online sources make it really easy to find out truthful information, including being able to find individual company policy manuals. These things show that there are certain diagnoses in certain states and certain programs that are specifically being audited or watched more closely because they cost more money. This is just corporate greed. It’s important that we acknowledge the truth and look past “prices rose because inflation” When prices rose because the people making the price knew they could get higher amounts of money, even though it hurts other people. Also, inflation rises as a way to stop spending, but that is a separate economy lesson.

Why do I care? Because health matters and that means pain for health matters which includes insurance and it’s important to find covered that actually benefits you and your specific needs not just because you want to stay loyal to some brand or keep it simple because it’s easier. Become self empowered and look into these things for yourself or find someone who can help you because nobody needs the extra stress of denials. and remember, we don’t ever have as much control over our health as we think. Things happen that are outside of our control and hopefully we can have empathy in these areas even if we don’t have a high need for insurance ourselves at the moment, it’s likely that one day we will and it’s important to make policies that benefit everyone.

Welcome to the BLOG page! Here you will find posts on a variety of topics: summaries of things I’ve listened to/read, psychoeducation, themed topics, etc.